Loving a Narcissist Zine

Loving a Narcissist by V and Johnny

I’m V. I’ve been dating a narcissist for a year and a half now. And I fuckin love it. There isn’t a lot of resources out there for NPD that don’t despise people with “Scary” disorders. I made this for my perfect boyfriend and for those with perfect partners willing to do anything to make them happy.

What is NPD?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by a need fo external praise and validation for a sense of identity and assurance. Major symptoms include a lack of empathy, delusions of grandeur, black and white thinking, difficulty managing emotions, and social withdraw. Like any other cluster B disorders, this disorder is brought upon by severe childhood trauma and neglect.

Stigma

There is a very bad stigma against people with NPD. They are seen as inherent abusers, born evil, and sometimes framed as real life demons by so-called “empaths”. If you are dating a narcissist, its important to be weary of online groups determined to spread this stigma such as r/narcissisticparents and content creators like psych2go. These are trauma victims, not monsters. The concept of "narcissistic abuse” was made to sell you bad courses. Get rid of these ideas ASAP.

Myths

“Not having empathy makes you a bad person”

Many neurodivergencies can make it difficult to understand your own and others emotions. While someone might not have emotional empathy, they can still logically acknowledge someone's feelings and be compassionate(cognitive empathy).

“If someone has NPD they are abusive”

Having NPD does not make someone automatically abusive. Saying narcissistic abuse is like saying “Anxiety abuse” or “Autism abuse”. Your experiences are not invalid, but label it what it is: emotional abuse.

“Narcissist can’t love anyone but themselves”

People with NPD are able to have healthy long lasting romantic relationships and feel love to friends, family, pets, etc. They in fact greatly rely on their circle for supply.

Supply

What is Supply?

Supply is this pool of validation, love, affirmation, and attention that narcissists rely on for their own self assurance and self worth. It mostly comes from external sources such as friends, mentors, loved ones, parents. It can also come from their own achievements.

Although getting supply from oneself is often difficult, so your perfect partner might have to rely on you for that supply. High supply is good for a narcissist’s mental health and willpower. A low supply can flare symptoms, causing more outburst, splitting, isolation, low executive function, and even suicidal ideation.

What robs supply? Examples

Insults, arguments, losing, perceived bitterness from someone else, abandonment, traumatic triggers

What gives supply? Examples

Love, reassurance, achievement, praise, perceived control/power, positive attention

Keeping a steady flow of supply to your beloved with NPD can help their mental stability immensely and make them feel safe in the relationship. Build a plan with your perfect partner to help build a healthy supply pool by asking What can I do to help you feel good and worthy? What can I do to avoid lowering your self esteem, even by accident? What are some signs that your supply is lower than usual? *A tip from me, doing random reassurance, praise, or even “hyping” them up helps a lot. Sometimes asking for help can be difficult for a narcissist, so keep that in mind.

Splitting

Splitting is a product of the black and white thinking found in NPD. It happens when a narcissist either sees something as extremely bad or extremely good based on events or perceptions. For example, if someone they loved did something they saw as threatening to their ego, they might split on them and feel sudden strong hatred towards them. Splitting is agonizing, they might recognize that their feelings are unreasonable, but their feelings are so extreme it can be torture to split. This can drive them to make impulsive and emotion-blinded decisions, and even self harm or suicide.

Getting Split On

I’ll be straight up with you, you will get split on, even if they don’t make it obvious, even if they repress all the horrible feelings they have inside that is ripping them apart. What you need to do is make a plan for when it happens, and this plan will work differently for every narcissist. Some need space, some need real clingy tight love. You are important too though, know when you need to step back and preserve your own mental health, it can be frustrating and scary to see your lover in such pain, especially if they can be rejecting your help when splitting.

Narc Highs and Crashes

Before we discuss building a plan, we need to identify what Narc Highs and Narc Crashes are. Narc Highs happen when supply is extremely high or as a way to cope with splitting, they can be healthy when handled and expressed safely. Your partner having absolute confidence is nice, but it can bring in delusions that could push them to do dangerous and risky things so make sure to know how they are when having a narc high. Unlike narc highs, narc crashes will always be bad and undesirable. This is when the ego of your lover shatters, and their supply is completely depleted as far as the negatives can go. This can cause extreme suicide risk, and is the source of negative splitting.

Plan of Action

Now to prepare for splitting, discuss a plan with your lover on how to best handle it. Here are some questions to help guide you What are some signs that you are splitting on me? Would you prefer space when this happens? How can I best reassure you when you split on me? It is also good to let them know that you still admire them, and that you wouldn’t leave them over this, as this is even more scary and painful for them than it is for you.

Confrontation

Confrontation can be hard to do with anyone, and narcissists can be worried when issues are brought up as their initial thoughts could be possible abandonment or feeling as if they aren’t good enough for you. When bringing up a boundary or an issue, emphasize that this is not a personal attack, that you still love your partner, and that this won’t change how much you love them. Remain mature about your wording, and avoid demeaning language. Emphasizing your trust for your lover could help their supply stay stable as you both work to solve the issue. Make sure to set a clear goal for you to both work to get to, and open the conversation with “When you do __ it makes me feel __”.

For Johnny, the perfect love of my life. I will be with you for all time from Vincent Welles

vincent2077.neocities.org

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